Post by Sarah Moglia

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Tim Minchin, hilarious singer, actor, and comedian, is going to be attending the Reason Rally! If you are unfamiliar with Tim Minchin, his animated story “Storm” is a fantastic introduction that bashes pseudoscience in the funniest possible way.

If you were on the fence about attending before, this should surely help you decide.

The whole thing is funny but he starts to rip The Donald at 12:12.  I was laughing so hard, it almost made me cry.

From The Onion.

WASHINGTON—After more than five decades of tireless work, brave exploration, and technological innovation aimed at a single objective, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced Wednesday that it had finally completed its mission to find and kill God.

Problem solved – can we all move on now?

It appears that this Mississippi TV news station had nothing better to do.  Check it out – if you dare.

I guess the fundies will put Toys R Us on the naughty list.

I hate when I am in a group and they say the Pledge of Allegiance.  If you read my blog you know, I am not much of a follower and the idea of a forced pledge of any kind makes me a little ill.  Then and in “Under gOd” and I get pissed.  Why do groups still do this?

It reminds me of when I was in high school – a long time ago.  A few friends and I decided that we did not want to go to the football pep rally.  We either wanted to learn something or they should let us go home.  We argued that if we did not already support our own team then a rally should not be able to change our position on the issue.  If some one’s mind was changed by such a rally, then they must posses the most feeble of all grey matter available.  We saw ourselves as some kind of conscientious objectors.  The principle did not want to give us all detentions so he sent us to the library so we could learn.  A few minutes later the librarian arrived and gave us all dirty looks.  I guess we could not be left alone and who better to watch kids in a library.  She was now missing the pep rally.  As soon as she realized that we felt horrible for her missing the “big” event she thanked us.  She did not want to be there either.

Recently I was at a local event and everyone stood to do the Pledge of Allegiance.  My mind filled with grand visions of sitting in protest or skipping the “under gOd” part and messing up the rhythm for those around me.  Alas, I did as I usually do – Nothing!   I just did not say the “under gOd” part.  To my amazement someone close to me said “Under Canada”.  Not only is it accurate, it’s kinda funny.  Well to me it was.  So from now on this is my Pledge of Allegiance.

I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation UNDER CANADA, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

THE HEAVENS—At a press conference Tuesday, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, gave his strongest indication yet that he might soon step down from his post as the supreme ruler of all things.

Following a routine address during which God confirmed the recent extinction of several thousand species, the Divine Creator fielded questions regarding rumors of his possible retirement.

“I’ve been at this a long time,” said God, ∞, the all-knowing, all-powerful being who has presided over the cosmos since forming it from sheer nothingness nearly 14 billion years ago. “And the truth is, this was never something I planned on doing forever. Lately, in fact, I’ve begun to wonder if I should move on sooner rather than later.”

Over the past few centuries, God has on numerous occasions deflected speculation that his reign might be winding down, but his remarks Tuesday appeared to signal a shift in celestial policy.

While touting his accomplishments as the prime mover of all space and time, the Lord spoke with surprising candor about the recent struggles of his absolute dominion over heaven and earth, acknowledging that it hasn’t always been easy for him to keep up with the rapid pace of modern existence.

“I couldn’t be more proud of the universe I brought forth,” God said. “But a lot has changed since then, and if I’m completely honest with myself, I’m probably not as passionate about my work as I once was. Things change. Who knows? I might not be the right entity for this job, going forward.”

“Maybe we need some new ideas around here,” God added. “Maybe heaven needs some new blood.”

He Who Commanded Light to Shine Out of Darkness told reporters that his biggest regret was putting his job above spending more time with his son. In particular, God mentioned that he deeply lamented missing his only child’s once-in-a-lifetime crucifixion.

“Your son’s down there being martyred in front of all these people, but you can’t be there for it,” said God, his voice cracking slightly. “He thought I’d forsaken him. Of course, I was tied up working on something that seemed important at the time but that I can’t even remember now. And I’ll never get that moment back.”

Many worry that God’s retirement could create a void at the helm of creation that no omnipotent deity would be available to fill. However, sources close to the Heavenly Father pointed out that he has been gradually delegating key responsibilities to respected subordinates, such as the Holy Ghost, for at least an eon.

Attempting to downplay such concerns, God told reporters that he wasn’t “going anywhere just yet” and that, in any case, the universe was largely self-sustaining these days.

“This place pretty much runs itself by now,” the Lord said. “And besides, how many people still notice I’m around? To be frank, I’m not even sure I’m much more than a beloved figurehead at this point.”

God was quick to emphasize that his potential retirement wouldn’t mean a complete withdrawal from cosmological affairs, but would instead mark a transitional period during which he would step back a bit and take on a different role.

While he ruled out the possibility of creating a new universe, the Eternal One said he would be open to the idea of working as a consultant, perhaps judging the dead, offering his opinion on which civilizations should be wiped out by natural disasters, or performing the occasional miracle on a strictly freelance basis.

God also said he hoped to find free time to catch up on years of unanswered prayers, putter around with black holes in his basement, and, for the first time ever, take a trip just for the fun it.

“Maybe I’ll visit Europe,” God said. “I’ve never been in the Vatican, and I’ve heard it’s supposed to be beautiful.”

Since I am in Arkansas it only seemed natural to share this story with you.

ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) – A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car’s sunroof during an incident best described as a “mistaken rapture” by dozens of eye-witnesses.

Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile-up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman, who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she believed was Jesus.

“She started screaming `He’s back! He’s back!’ and climbed out through the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car,” said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.

“I was slowing down but she wouldn’t wait till I stopped,” Williams said. “She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky,” he went on to say.

“This is the strangest thing I’ve seen since I’ve been on the force,” said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene.

Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was on his way to a toga costume party, when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow-up sex dolls filled with helium, which then floated up into the sky.

Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who’s been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration and said “Come back,” just as the Williams’ car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into heaven as they drove by him.

“I think my wife loved Jesus more than she loved me,” the widower said when asked why his wife would do such a thing.

When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied “This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen.”

This is from The Onion.

I repeat THE ONION.  The church cannot confirm or deny this story.

VATICAN CITY—Calling the behavior shameful, sinful, and much more frequent than the Vatican was comfortable with, Pope Benedict XVI vowed this week to bring the widespread pedophilia within the Roman Catholic Church down to a more manageable level.

Addressing thousands gathered at St. Peter’s Square on Easter Sunday, the pontiff offered his “most humble apologies” to abuse victims, and pledged to reduce the total number of molestations by 60 percent over the next five years.

“This is absolutely unacceptable,” Pope Benedict said. “It seems a weakening of faith in God has prevented our priests from exercising moderation when sexually abusing helpless minors.”

“And let me remind our clergy of the holy vows they all took when they entered the priesthood,” he continued. “They should know that they’re only allowed one small child every other month.”

The pope said he was deeply disappointed to learn that the number of children sexually abused by priests was almost 10 times beyond the allowable limit clearly outlined in church doctrine. Admitting for the first time in public that the overindulgent touching of “tender, tender young flesh” had become a full-blown crisis, the Holy Father vowed to implement new reforms to bring the pedophilia rate back down to five children per 1,000 clergy.

“The truth is there will always be a little bit of molestation—it’s simply unavoidable,” Vatican spokesperson Rev. Federico Lombardi said. “But the fact that young boys have gotten much more attractive over the past few decades is no excuse for the blatant defiance of church limits that have been in place for centuries.”

“The majority of priests don’t want to molest kids at all,” he added. “But for those who do, we must make sure they’re doing it at a reasonable rate.”

Following the pope’s speech, the Vatican released a statement outlining its plan to reduce pedophilia. Starting next year, specially trained cardinals will make unannounced visits to inspect and observe random churches in order to ensure they are not going beyond diocese-wide molestation caps. The inspector-cardinals will grade each parish based on long, private interviews with altar boys in darkened church basements, and careful observation of priests’ sexual activity.

These senior officials will also have the authority to enforce harsh punishments for any clergy member violating his allotment of pedophilia.

“If a priest goes even one child over the limit, there will be hell to pay,” said Prefect Emeritus of the Congregation for Bishops Giovanni Battista Re, explaining the Vatican’s new “Three Strikes, You’re Out Rule.” “After the third offense, the offending priest will immediately be moved to another parish. This will give officials time to investigate the case, and will act as an effective deterrent since it usually takes months for priests to gain the trust of the new children.”

As a “goodwill measure,” Cardinal Re said all churches will also be required to display a sign next to the altar showing the number of days since the last molestation.

Criticism of the pope’s new plan has already begun to emerge from within the Catholic Church itself. Rev. Walter Moore, a pastor at St. Peter’s in Chicago, questioned the Vatican’s methodology in calculating the molestation rates, saying the church’s inconsistent definition of pedophilia may have skewed the numbers.

“Is it technically pedophilia if the child’s clothes are fully on the entire time? What if he’s asleep when it happens?” Moore said. “It’s time we had some clear guidance from Rome on this issue. For instance, the church counts it as one incident regardless of whether the child is molested multiple times by the same individual or by two priests at once. That’s just plain wrong.”

“Plus, if it’s supposed to be a special secret between the priest and the boy, is it even any of the church’s business in the first place?” he added. “Maybe Brandon is just trying to get attention.”

The Vatican would not release details of the pope’s upcoming world tour, in which he plans to clear up any confusion on the matter by personally demonstrating what constitutes molestation