OH – IGNORANT IMBECILE

I was reading my latest newsletter from FFRF.org – Freethought Today and made it to page 14 where the “Crank Mail” was placed.  It’s one of my favorite features of this fine publication.  Crank Mail a sampling of the recent emails or contacts made by those most faithful Christians to call out and/or to “warn” FFRF of their impending doom.  Education is the cure for ignorance but for now the ignorance is entertaining.

Always a joy to read but this most recent edition sampled some of the best I’ve ever read.

“Whats wrong you assclown afraid of Islam?  You screwwbals have nothing to say or do to that fucked up piece of pig shit so called religion that teaches to kill everyone thats not like them. Where you fucks at on them hum. you bunch of chicken shits” - David Lupton

As with most of these short but sweet rants, they all appear to lack basic vocabulary skills.  Their spellcheck systems are useless and to hell with punctuation.  I often imagine the man or women behind the keyboard, typing feverishly, their mind whirling with anger as they describe how we are “screwwbals”, “assclowns” and “chicken shits” – and usually they include what they and/or their god is going to do to us.

I imagine as they type, that as the colored line appears below a misspelled word; “Oh look Mary Beth, even gmail knows that I mean bizness, it’s underlining all the impotant wurds.”

WEALTHY FUCKTARDS

“We are a group of Wealthy citizens of South Dakota, and many who not reside outside of South Dakota.  We have informed certain Rapid City politicians that we stand ready to provide significant financial support to defend their religious practices, views and opinions.  Please feel free to pursue any and all legal action you feel is necessary to attack the citizens of Rapid City, but be prepared for a lengthy and expensive legal costs, as we will fund any and all state court action, as well as federal court action.  God Bless Freedom of Religion!” – Our Lord Jesus Christ

Apparently from Jesus himself.  In response, I might say:

Dear Jesus Christ, I see that you now reside in Rapid City amongst other wealthy citizens.  I think that is a great move, it’s more believable than this “heaven” thing you spoke of and it means that you now can enjoy the U.S. Postal Service and actually get that money that so many have been collecting for you.

Your letter states that your group contains citizens of South Dakota and “many who not reside outside of South Dakota”.  Wouldn’t those be the same as the citizens residing in South Dakota?   I appreciate your permission for us to pursue legal action, we were hoping to get your blessing but couldn’t find your address.  I see that your group members are wealthy and wanted to ask, before this most recent commitment to defend your politicians, what were you doing with this wealth accumulated?  Have you been giving all to the poor and needy as you demand of your followers in the bible?

Can you imagine what this person was thinking?  I imagine a middle aged person, almost finished the 10th grade before having her second child and being forced to pick potatoes for a living.  I imagine she actually gave this some thought, she sat down and after much deliberation, decided that her best method of attack would be a threat using reverse psychology.  ”I’ll give them permission to sue as if we don’t mind but I’ll warn them of our wealth and how costly this might be, as if I care about their finances.”

I may be too kind, it may actually be a 5th grade alter boy who overheard his parents discussing the legal issue and figured while the internet was down would draft up a letter to threaten the FFRF.

NRA SUPPORTER

“Dear Mrs., Annie Laurie Gaylor, I just read this article about you proposing to the government to rename Christmas to “Family day”.  This nation was founded and started on Christian principles found in the Holy Bible.  I am a very strong, and powerful man, I can take on anyone in a fight, and win.  I have taken on people bigger than you and won.  Good day, God bless you.” - Jaye Sanders. Child of God, Brother to Jesus, American Patriot, NRA Supporter

Here we have one zealous Glen Beckistan citizen who thought it prudent to draft a letter in response to the FFRF’s Co-President, Annie Laurie Gaylor’s OP-ED piece about renaming the Christmas Holiday.  Not just any letter, but a threatening letter.  He’s fought and won, he can fight anyone and win.  This from a peace- loving Christ-tard and Brother to Jesus?

DAMN YOU TO HELL

“All of ypu people are going STRAIGHT to hell.  The sooner the better you FREAKS. FUCK OFF” – Tonya Haas

“u say this country is not christian or goddly. you all are full of shit are four father left england so they could worship god without all politics. its funny christianity is the only religion that is be tooking out of stuff. and for your info, the women so many years ago that started all thisso long ago.  ended up getting her head cut of and was a athist and her son turns into a preacher and that carma.  and now theres a muslim run the country in the ground and you all are try to hurt any one you can but carma get u alive or dad.and i am not christian and believe in christianity so go bit one” - Adam Phillip, Greenville, South Carolina

One of the funniest I’ve ever read.  Now do you see why I love this part of the newsletter so much?  Poor little non-Christian feller, folks trying to tooking his Christianity out of stuff.

IT’S ME – JESUS

“Why can’t you mind your own business and stayed your evil asses in WI Who do you think you are??? You are nothing but the scum of Hell.  You are nothing but COWARDS!  If you don’t love it then leave it! – Jesus Christ, Pickens, South Carolina

“i hope there is a god and he gives all your members and their families cancer”  (anonymous but apparently a true Christian)

“Get A FUCKING LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!: YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS.  IF YOU DON”T LIKE IT THE FUCK OUT!!! IT”S VERY SIMPLE HAVE SOMEBODY WITH BRAINS EXPLAIN IT TO YOU!” – Mike Griffin, Avon, Indiana

Awwww Mike, why don’t you try to explain it to us.  Surely you didn’t write that gibberish without a brain.  Are you saying that if only you had a brain you would explain it?  I’ll pray for you Mike.

Education is the cure for ignorance

There are many others quoted as well.  Be sure to check out www.ffrf.org and consider joining.  Your membership and support helps tooking religion out of government.  Education is the cure for ignorance.  It’s those like Phil Ferguson and Skeptic.org that recognize this, lending support to groups like the Secular Student Alliance , Junior Skeptic and Camp Quest.  We must offer our support as well, we must help educate children to be more skeptical, to use reason and to question everything.

Michael Shermer and Mr Deity have banded together to  create Con Academy.

This is volume 1 of The Con Academy videos—another resource in the Skeptics Society’s arsenal of Skepticism 101 for teaching critical thinking and promoting science through the use of humor, wit, and satire. In this faux commercial for The Con Academy you’ll see how psychics count on the confirmation bias to convince people that their powers are real when, in fact, they are just remembering the hits and forgetting the misses. We also demonstrate how psychic “organizations” con people by taking their money for services that are not real.

There’s a con in confidence (game), and in confirmation (bias). Check it out.

Yes, we can all be conned whether it’s a god, a soul, global warming denial, or “I knew you’d call,” “this car was made for you,” “roll the dice again, it’s time to win,” “feel sick, take some Vitamin C,” “change your attitude and you will be well,” ” the 10 commandments are for everyone,” “act wealthy and you will be wealthy,” “because you are open you can walk on fire,” to yes, “all GM foods are safe” and “scientists are free from bias.”

Watch the video, send them money. Hell send me money!

Jim Newman, bright and well

www.frontiersofreason.com

Just when you think Fundies are stuck in the past they come up with a new and brilliant solution. Here is a photo of an Ultra Orthodox Jew (UOJ, cohen, kohen) flying in a baggie so that he can go over a cemetery–a kohen (priest by descent) staying pure. And yes that’s why the name Cohen is common like Smith.

First this is a brilliant solution to the old problem of contacting dead bodies as cited in Leviticus. Before reflecting on that though I’d like to suggest that baggies are a brilliant solution to myriad flying problems.

• The Talker: a baggie around the talker could be tightened according to the amount they talk. If they don’t stop I am sure lack of air will help slow them down.
• The Screaming baby: a baggie with sound proofing would solve problems of poop, pee, and screaming. They have shown that lower oxygen levels help babies sleep.
• The Stretcher: for the poor 6 ft plus man sitting behind some jerk that slams their seat back driving the big guy’s knees through his chin the baggie can be tightened to enforce a more upright position.
• Visual Moralist: for the mother who doesn’t want their child to see the violent or sexual movie two screens up, an opaque baggie is perfect. I’m sure with flexible moivie screens, these baggies could incorporate appropriate viewing inside the baggie.
• The Sleeper: for the person wishing the windows would be closed or the lights low, the dark baggie is perfect.
• The Illness Phobe: this one is perfect for me as I catch airline colds whenever I fly. A baggie with sanitizer and respirator would be perfect. It could also be used for those who are sick and don’t want to spread it.
• The Druggie: for someone who just has to imbibe or fly while flying this is a perfect way to allow them a constant source without spreading the pleasure. A custom drug atomizer would be included.

The safety issue could be addressed that when the plane depressurizes in an emergency, the baggie is automatically sealed and filled with oxygen. The baggie would serve as an air bag and has the added bonus of floating in water.

Back in 2001 El Al airlines instantiated  rule to prevent flying in baggies as a possible danger. Apparently this was better than rerouting the plane around the cemetery which they couldn’t as the cemetery is too close to the Tel Aviv approach.

A family of ultra-Orthodox kohanim from Jerusalem consulted Rabbi Yosef Shalom Elyashiv following a report in Ha’aretz last week that Swissair had modified its flight route to avoid the cemetery. Swissair agreed to make the route revision in order to allow a prominent ultra-Orthodox leader, Rabbi David Kahan, to maintain strict observance of the Jewish laws regarding ritual purity for kohanim.

Rabbi Elyashiv and two other rabbis worked out an arrangement under which the family of Jerusalem kohanim would hermetically seal themselves in plastic bags when flying over the Holon cemetery in order to avoid ritual impurity.

El Al was initially willing to allow this arrangement, in which the kohanim would board the plane in the bags and tie them closed when flying over the cemetery. But the airline subsequently decided not to permit this due to safety considerations.

In 2008, El Al had a run in with another UOJ who was angered at the in flight movies and attempted to push the screen back in.

The Haredi men, en route to Uman, Ukraine to visit the gravesite of Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav, said that the airline had promised not to show a film during the flight.

When the screens began to unfold in preparation for the screening, the ultra-Orthodox men began going wild. “It was a pretty frightening sight,” a passenger on the plane described the events. According to witnesses, the men began shouting and physically trying to prevent the movie screens from unfolding.

When originally posted on Reddit, many thought it was so he wouldn’t touch women but that wasn’t the case this time. Other times it has been and the practice is on the increase; probably because the ultraorthodox community is growing, engaging more with the world, and is pushing back against the growing secularism of Israel.

El Al passengers are noting a recent phenomenon involving clusters of ultra-Orthodox men approaching female passengers prior to take-off and requesting to switch seats, according to El Al customers and tour operators.

While the phenomenon of lone Haredi men approaching female passengers is not new, and has in fact gone on for years, large groups of Haredim – upwards of 15-20 people in some instances – are reportedly attempting to secure blocs of seats for themselves. Their persistence is causing consternation and friction, while setting off a host of logistical problems during the course of some flights, according to a number of sources interviewed by Haaretz.

… The uptick in Haredi requests aboard El Al flights to switch seats coincides with recent incidents involving some rigorously Orthodox Jews insisting on the separation of sexes in certain Israeli neighborhoods, on public bus routes and in public seating spaces, even at check-out counters in supermarkets and stores.

…  A spokesman for El Al – which is represented by the Israeli public relations firm of Ran Rahav Communications, Ltd. – released a statement to Haaretz maintaining that “the convenience of passengers and the delivery of uncompromising, quality service, serve as the basis of El Al’s reputation.”

The statement notes that “in-flight and ground crews are charged with addressing every problem and need related to the welfare of the passengers – including issues related to seating – with sensitivity and without a scent of discrimination on the basis of religion, creed or sex, yet with an emphasis on flight safety.”

Without a scent of discrimination? I am going to start a religion called Hagenism that is based on reason, rationality, empiricism, and science wherein we do not have contact with revelationists that desecrate clear thinking, knowing that contact corrupts. Scent, hmm, and if the religion involves abuse?

Understanding the importance of purity, if only ceremoniously, in religion I thought to further understand these restrictions that must be preserved. Leviticus 21:

1.  And the Lord said to Moses: Speak to the kohanim, the sons of Aaron, and say to them: Let none [of you] defile himself for a dead person among his people

2. except for his relative who is close to him, his mother, his father, his son, his daughter, his brother,

3. and for his virgin sister who is close to him, who was not [yet] with a man for her, he shall defile himself.

4. [But] a husband shall not defile himself for [a wife who causes] his desecration, [while she is] among his people.

5. They shall not make bald patches on their heads, nor shall they shave the edge of their beard, nor shall they make cuts in their flesh.

6. They shall be holy to their God, and they shall not desecrate their God’s Name, for they offer up the fire offerings of the Lord, the food offering of their God, so they shall be holy.

7. They shall not marry a woman who is a prostitute or who is desecrated, and they shall not marry a woman who is divorced from her husband for he [the kohen] is holy to his God.

8. You shall sanctify him, for he offers up the food offering of your God; he shall be holy to you, for I, the Lord Who sanctifies you, am holy.

9. If a kohen’s daughter becomes desecrated through adultery she desecrates her father; she shall be burned in fire.

10. And the kohen who is elevated above his brothers, upon whose head the anointment oil has been poured or who has been inaugurated to wear the garments he shall not leave his hair unshorn or rend his garments.

11. And he shall not come upon any dead bodies; he shall not defile himself for his father or his mother.

12. He shall not leave the Sanctuary, and he will not desecrate the holy things of his God, for the crown of his God’s anointing oil is upon him. I am the Lord.

13. He shall marry a woman in her virgin state.

14. A widow, a divorcee, a woman who is desecrated or a prostitute he shall not marry [any] of these. Only a virgin of his people may he take as a wife.

15. And he shall not desecrate his offspring among his people, for I am the Lord, Who sanctifies him.

16. And the Lord spoke to Moses, saying,

17. Speak to Aaron, saying: Any man among your offspring throughout their generations who has a defect, shall not come near to offer up his God’s food.

18. For any man who has a defect should not approach: A blind man or a lame one, or one with a sunken nose or with mismatching limbs;

19. or a man who has a broken leg or a broken arm;

20. or one with long eyebrows, or a cataract, or a commingling in his eye; dry lesions or weeping sores, or one with crushed testicles

21. Any man among Aaron the kohen’s offspring who has a defect shall not draw near to offer up the Lord’s fire offerings. There is a defect in him; he shall not draw near to offer up his God’s food.

22. His God’s food from the most holy and from the holy ones, he may eat.

23. But he shall not come to the dividing curtain, nor shall he draw near to the altar, for he has a defect, and he shall not desecrate My holy things, for I am the Lord Who sanctifies them.

24. Moses told [this to] Aaron and his sons, and to all of the children of Israel.

Considering the importance that Halakha, Jewish law, hermeneutics, draws no difference between the religious and nonreligious life I think it’s important to reflect. I wonder if contact could be interpreted as contact and distance is OK; perhaps distance could be a few hundred feet or so. Perhaps just being in the plane could serve as a barrier as that seems more solid than a baggie. Perhaps coming upon the dead means they should be buried and that’s good enough.

It’s true the desecrated shouldn’t approach the divider but just how close is close enough? Is cardboard on the back of a seat really good enough? How can the desecrated not approach it or does that just mean touching it?

My concern is paying such fastidious attention on cemeteries when there are the big issues of contact with the blind, the handicapped, the injured, people with cataracts, or any other defect. I am particularly concerned with coming in contact with someone having crushed testicles. Long eyebrows are definitely a show stopper. Perhaps the Haredi should be in a space suit at all times. I’m sure the ancients knew about germs and (non)communicable diseases. There are as always good health reasons behind these rules. The crushed testicles must have been from a disease or punishment for adultery. Long eyebrows? I want to know the ethnicity of long eyebrows they fear.

It sounds like the kohen shouldn’t leave their sanctuary, an admonition against travel, kind of like the Greek oracles where the priests and priestesses had to stay and live there. Perhaps it means they shouldn’t fly since somewhere somehow they will probably travel over a cemetery. Train, boat or car only!

I am also concerned that there are no sacrifices involving fire anymore. An offering through fire can’t mean a candle or fiery spirit. It does seem to mean food offering from a sacrificed, cooked animal that is then passed around as redistributive feasting. No, no, that’s a BBQ not a sacrifice.

Finally, I am concerned that the text doesn’t note that both the desecrated daughter and her possible unborn child be burned before she births. No delay is allowed as her child can’t survive. Time is of the essence.

We all get the importance of body hair, virginity, and pure monogamy

It is important to know that the descendants of a kohen are also considered kohen and must follow the same rules. I still think the baggie was brilliant in following the letter of a law made so clear. It is entirely symbolic of the social cell made real; bubble theology, baggie theology. Sadly, my goal is to burst that bubble.

Jim Newman, bright and well

www.frontiersofreason.com

Yep, that bastion of Southern conservatism was found unable to instill adequate bible knowledge in its public schools. They fought for the right to teach the bible and then they blew it. Texas Freedom Network released a study titled Reading, Writing & Religion II: Texas Public School Bible Courses in 2011-12.

Many Bible course teachers lack the proper training required by the Legislature. Moreover, curriculum standards adopted by the State Board of Education are far too broad to help school districts create academically sound and legally appropriate courses. Consequently, many courses are not academically rigorous and include numerous errors, distortions and other problems.

The school board met, said wur gonna make em study the bible,  now getter done. (Somehow “academically rigorous” and Texas don’t go together in the same sentence.) Having lived in  Corpus Christi, Texas for five years, I feel safe in saying  they still aren’t sure Texas ain’t bigger than Alaska–or at least Alaska ain’t really part of the Great Country Merika. That’s Russia, Sarah Payllin country and she might be good lookin but she ain’t no Texan Conservative.

Many Bible courses reflect the religious beliefs of the teachers and sectarian instructional materials they use in their classrooms. In every course in which religious bias is present, instruction reflects a Protestant — most often a conservative Protestant — perspective, including a literal interpretation of the Bible.

Well, uh course, the bible ain’t about them damned Cathaholics. It’s about righteousness. And thet’s my church not yours. Yure conservative is my liberal. And we ain’t libral down here. The bible is a bout Gawd and Gawd is Christ. Do’t you get it sonny? You better get your butt to church.

Many courses teach students to interpret the Bible and even Judaism through a distinctly Christian lens. Anti-Jewish bias — sometimes intentional but often not — is not uncommon.

Jews, what are Jews? I ain’t met no Jews down here. Lordy, thank Gawwd. Didn’t they fuck up the banks, take over the ‘Jew’elry business (heh, heh) and then steal Hollywood? Nope, no Jews done here. Well, there was that one accountant–whatever happen to him? LBJ Park probly hired him–bastards, worst damned president we ever had. Don’t need to teach nothin about them. Goddamn Jews took Christ away. What’s this lens shit anyway? Only one lens possible, The Texas Lens. I can see just fine.

A number of courses and their instructional materials incorporate pseudo-scholarship, including claims that the Bible provides scientific proof of a 6,000-year-old Earth (young Earth creationism) and that the United States was founded as a Christian nation based on biblical Christian principles. At least one district’s Bible course includes materials suggesting that the origins of racial diversity among humans today can be traced back to a curse placed on Noah’s son in the biblical story of the flood. Such claims have long been a foundational component of some forms of racism.

Now, I been down The Rio Grandee many times chasing cows, rustlin rustlers, and blastin the crap out of five-gallon jugs and watermelons with my AR-15 and my Big Gun–ever seen how high a gallon jug will fly when hit with a .300 Wetherby Magnum. Whoeee, I tell you. We coulda saved some big money on the moon program. Yeah, well, I seen some footprints petryfried in the rocks. And they was human. My own eyes ain’t gonna deceive, praise the Lawrd. Hey, ya wanna see my new, custom .454, nickle-plated revolver–got er right here–haaa, that’ll tear a hole outta an AaaRab big enough to drive a truck.

Now, there ain’t nothin wrong with colored’s and wetbacks as long as they know their place. They make good workers as long as you watch em. Watch em all the time, alla  time. Hell, they are cursed, the bible says so, and when Gawd says they have paid for their sins they will change. Yes sir, their skin will lighten and turn white as my granboy’s bottom. Till then they gotta pay and I don’t want em near my girls. Damn, they got their own church anyway.

Despite the state’s failure to implement HB 1287 effectively, a number of school districts did succeed in offering Bible courses that largely comply with legal and constitutional requirements, are academically serious and avoid many of the serious problems noted in most other districts. These successful courses can be found in urban, suburban and rural districts.

Damned city slickers are ruining Texas. Used to be a time when I could ride my hawse from Brownsville to Waco and not see a fence. Drive a car from Houston to Dallas in an hour with nary a sight of pavement–that Lincoln was the best car I ever had. Gud days. God’s country. Yep, first it was fences, sheep, then roads, then cities, sidewalks, curbs, Easterners everywhere corrupting us. Thank Gawd we got oil. Hell, they ought to put a fence around Austin and lock them animals in.

San Antonio ain’t much better. Damn yankees should be grayteful to us or we’d all be mexkuns–yankees, remember the Alamo. Whoeee, I got the biggest, damndest Bowie knife you ever seen. I can swipe a two inch saplin in two like it was butter.

Yup, you northeners need to stay out of Texas with yo’alls stuck up attitude thinking yau’all’s superior. Hell, if Texas weren’t here the rest of the country would fall into the ocean.

Jim Newman, bright and well

www.frontiersofreason.com

Today we’re looking at PT Barnum and his book Humbugs of the World. After all, there’s no one who knows a sham better than a professional sham salesman. “Humbug” as you probably know, is an old world for “bullshit” or “flim-flam” but PT Barnum generously defines humbug as mere…. exaggerations of the truth. And as long as people were getting their money’s worth, humbug here and there isn’t a problem. Whatever you say, PT.

Humbugs came out in 1865, following the huge success of Barnum’s autobiography. Humbugs did pretty well too, and you can probably find really beautiful copies of both books in your local used book store – but it’s public domain and free on Kindle. If you want to see a really beautiful copy, CFI Amherst has a lovely leather copy in their library with gold lettering on the cover and gold on the edge of the pages.

At times, Humbugs reads like PT Barnum is simply defending his own humbuggery by pointing at people who are bigger liars than he is. And hey, the guy has a reputation to keep. But that all fades away when he talks about spiritualists and mediums. Barnum never hired a single one and he has nine chapters full of venom and scorn for the lot of them. If you’re into the history of spiritualists, this is worth picking up just for those chapters alone.

Otherwise, the book gives us a nice overview of the scams and psudoscience of the day, like the “Golden Pigeons of California”, the weird and wonderful moon hoax (the one with the demons having a party on the moon), witch hunts, Monsignore Cristoforo Rischio (a “model for our quack doctors”), blood purification pills, and the list goes on and on. The chapters on financial scams are tailor made for Skeptic money readers, with lottery humbugs, Tuipomania, the largely fictional (but very profitable) New-York and Rangoon Petroleum Company , and page after page of money swindles. The book is mostly anecdotes and feels like a friendly conversation with Barnum. It’s also pretty sarcastic and light-hearted, so it’s very readable, despite the 150+ years of language difference.

There is some serious historical culture shock. He has two chapters devoted to avoiding food and alcohol-related scams; for example, watering down alcohol to “homeopathic” doses. Barnums words, not mine. It took me a minute to remember that these were the days before FDA and basic food regulations. I’ve never felt so grateful for modern food regulations in all my life. I’ll let you read them for yourself, but it’s all very scary. It’s for the germaphobe. The chapters on quack medicines are even scarier with magic sand, rampant placebo use at doctor’s offices, and hashish candy. It’s a wonder anyone was able to survive a doctors visit at all.

Other chapters left me really disliking Barnum. The 1800′s were a bit racist. Ok, they were really racist. And boy-howdy is Barnum right in step with his era. The chapter on the Miscegenation pamphlet is flat-out unpleasant. I get that he had to sell copies of the book to all parts of the US (I’m looking at you, post-civil-war-south) but I took very long breaks from that chapter. It ended up being worth reading for the history of the word “Miscegenation”, but I feel like that information could also be learned from Wikipedia without reading about Barnums disgust with racial mixing. His chapters on religious humbug is where he can really loose me. He’ll start waxing on and on about pagan cultures on distant lands or ancient heathens and my eyes glaze over. On the upside, he does move onto “ordeals”; traditional christian “trials” that would determine your innocence if you survived drowning, poisoning, burning, etc. Apparently these were still practiced during his time.

Overall, it’s a fun read and many of the lesser scams in the book aren’t available to research on the internet. If you’re into history in general or if you feel like you’ve simply run out of new ways to be shocked by scam artists, well,  you’re only gunna find this stuff here and Barnum is awesome. Go check it out.

Humbugs of the World is public domain and is available on Project Gutenberg for free, and currently is free in the Kindle bookstore.

The audio recording is free at the Internet Archive, and was recorded by volunteers at Librivox.org