Monogamy Is UnNatural
Six daughters, most of whom want to get married someday. Their father, that’s me – doesn’t want to see it. At least not yet. I have been down that road and have been happily married three fucking times. Each time with the intentions of a long lasting (forever) relationship and commitment.
So what happened? Didn’t I love them? Didn’t I realize the value, the friendship, the tax benefits? Yes, of course. But, basic human (animal) desires is what happened.
Societal Pressure and Indoctrination
From the time we are children we are bombarded with the “happily every afters”. A constant barrage of movies, shows, stories, teachings and ideas, all preparing us for adulthood, specifically marriage. There is an entire industry around it. My Mormon parents would often say, “You want to be worthy of your future wife. You don’t want to miss out on her because you didn’t keep your self chaste.”
My sisters and brothers got the same shit. Mormons are “Big On Family”. Well of course they are. It’s the best way to insure future tithe payers and to appeal to the Christian masses as ‘one of them’.
You don’t even have to be Mormon, the pressures and lessons learned growing up all encourage marriage, hell our own government rewards you for it while punishing those who aren’t. The hell you say! Yes, the IRS tax code includes benefits for married tax payers. If you aren’t married you will pay more per dollar and hence are being punished.
It’s worse for girls, they are inundated with advertisements and media that indoctrinates them with fallacious concepts of marriage. Some of the “Top Movies” the blockbusters are marriage related every year. All about the happy ever after. Selling a pipe dream.
53% Of Marriages FAIL
It’s no wonder either. Recent statistics* show that 57% of men admit to having an affair and 54% of women admit the same. Holy shit! But why? Why can’t a man remain faithful and why are the numbers so high for infidelity with women?
I believe it’s because we are not naturally monogamous It’s not in our DNA. Society has, due to religion created this requirement that we be married.
With most of Christianity, it’s immoral to have sex outside of wedlock. Those morals have seeped into society at large and we now consist of a mass of ignorance, all attempting to be moral, all attempting to remain faithful in our relationships while every fiber of our being is opposed.
Religion was smart, they took one of the strongest instincts of man, made it a sin and created some exceptional rules – but fear not, they also have the cure.
I know some of you are shaking your heads in disagreement. You think that if it’s true love, you won’t cheat or if you are truly committed, you won’t cheat. I call bullshit! Yes, there are some that will fight the urges to the point that they destroy whatever self respect they have for themselves, yes I know some men that won’t cheat, haven’t cheated but at the same time are probably miserable.
We are not designed (as in designed by evolution) to be monogamous. I called bullshit earlier. Let me explain. I have been madly in love, die for my wife, work my ass off for my family, give everything I have and am to their safety and wellbeing – and at the same time; If some beautiful lady invited me to bed I would have leaped tall buildings to get to her.
I was truly in love, I was committed. But those natural basic instincts, those sexual desires – superseded my commitments. It was only once I got older and my testosterone levels dropped was I able to resist.
I see it like this; as a young adult I wanted marriage. I wanted a friend, a reliable source for sex and a family. I was conditioned to be this way as I believe most of us are.
What I understand now is that I’m not some sicko who didn’t love his wife and children. I wasn’t going to hell for my thoughts about the next door neighbor or the time I went into the massage parlor and had the happy ending. I was human, with human instincts and drives. Enate in me was a desire for reproduction and sexual gratification.
Controlling this to the point that would prevent infidelity seemed imposible and is what destroyed my fist marriage.
Should have never been married?
Looking back some 20+ years I’m not sure. I still remember desiring the companionship and friendship that marriage provided. Had society not held marriage in such high regard and the church’s teachings not been so demanding, maybe I would have married someone that I could’ve been honest with or not at all.
A Rock and a Hard Place
Both males and females display jealousy, both want fidelity in marriage and in relationships. Why then do we all have biological urges that are counterintuitive with monogamy, why do we have enate desires for our partners to be faithful?
It has been said that women don’t have near the sex drive as men, even some studies exist that reflect this as fact. Yet the infidelity statistics show that 70% of males and females in a marriage would cheat if they knew they could get away with it.
Source: Associated Press, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy
Proverbial rock meets hard place.
Why do the males desire new partners, if only briefly? Again, it’s biological, it’s enate – coded into our DNA we desire to promulgate our genes. We can impress the “moral society” with cheap rhetoric about how we would never cheat, how we would never sleep with our neighbors wife or the cute blonde that runs the bakery at Wal-mart. But it’s bullshit. If given the opportunity, knowing we won’t get caught – 74% will and females, you aren’t much less at 68%.
Females may have a different set motivators behind their infidelity including compassion, feeling needed etc… while men are just in it for the instant release.
Back to my damn offspring
I’ve got one daughter currently with a dip shit. He is cocky and arrogant and in no way desires a long term relationship while giving lip service to the contrary. My daughter, insecure and emotional will put up with almost anything to avoid the loss. Due mainly to my batshit crazy teachings as a child that confirmed the same moral ethics of marriage as society does.
To secure her relationship with the aforementioned dip shit, she intentionally gets pregnant. Because we all know that a child will insure against and bolster a rocky relationship.
So now with a new born she continues to cry and complain out Mr. Dip Shit, almost daily. She’s miserable and just wants “him to love me.” Oh, and the baby didn’t work? Go figure, I though for sure that your unstable, disaster of a relationship would surely be cured by bringing a child in to the picture.
Fuck me! Of course I’m not nearly as sarcastic with her, but it’s what I want to say. I tell her now that she is welcome to leave him at anytime, “but I love him”. No, you are in love with a idea, a stupid fucking retarded idea that will only serve to cause you more hurt. ”But if we get married, that will help and moving away will help.” Yes almost as much as having a baby with him.
This doesn’t get better. I can reason and use logic with her and she only attempts to find a solution that doesn’t involve leaving him. I know because I’ve been there and you have to, I’m almost positive; but eventually it will end. She will move on to the next testosterone filled man and all will be great, for a little while.
She will be more on guard the next time and most likely become overbearing and very jealous. This will strain the new relationship and ultimately lead to collapse or give him a self excused right to cheat being as he probably already is being accused.
All the while, her mom and I get to watch each horrid experience. We’ll hurt when she hurts and celebrate when she’s happy. It’s like being forced to watch a very bad car accident in slow motion. You know the outcome, you know where it leads and you are useless in preventing it.
Remember, I have six daughters. Oh joy! One is married and doing well, she is much more secure with herself. One that is still a teen and 2 more that really love the whole embrace your sexuality, there is no sin, nobody is watching you from the heavens as you masturbate or sleep with multiple partners. The final one is a 2x born again Christian, she loves Jesus and won’t even talk to her heretic father.
What is the solution?
- Educate children that mariage is not some sacred institution in which to aspire
- End religious indoctrination to the contrary
- Teach that sin is non-existant
- Encourage education to the extreme, this bolsters ones self esteem and identity (it will serve to end the many girls and women who derive their esteem and their identity from their marriage/relationships.
- Encourage independence
- Educate all about safe sex
It doesn’t solve it all, it doesn’t prevent the enate desire of many who want lots of new partners and at the same time wanting a safe, secure and mutually rewarding relationship. Monogamy is unnatural.
There is a book, a fantastic book that talks about people in some areas of the world where there is no idea of marriage. Women are free to partner with more than one man, free to love all or one. Men are granted the same. They know not of sin or jealous monogamous relationships.
Their villages are free from dogmatic sexual restrictive codes. They respect one another and love who they will. It’s almost euphoric to think that could exist. It gives credence to the monogamy isn’t natural arguments.
The book is called Sex and God and is available about anywhere. Good prices at Amazon and the author is Darrell Ray.
My advice to my daughters now is to make yourself happy, date many men, enjoy the lessons learned, don’t feel obligated or pressured into marriage, don’t force a relationship and remember…
Most men will cheat. Regardless of how much he does or says, most men if given the opportunity will cheat. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and want you still, but we men are inherently flawed for monogamous relationships.
We can change and many do. Many men get to a point as I have that my value of the friendship, the value of the partnership is much more important than that next vagina. This is mainly due to the changes biologically.
Be honest with yourself and with your partner always and they may accept you as you are. It’s a rough road for the time being, it will take many bumps and bruises before you have experienced enough to look back and recognize the enormous flaw in the entire concept.
What are your views? What would you tell your young adult daughters?