Religious Fortune Cookies … bed

Post by Phil Ferguson.  Follow me and the blog on twitter @skepticmoney!


My Daughter and I went out for Chinese food last night.  For some reason our phones could not connect to the internet, while in the restaurant.  It forced us to talk to each other.  It was great fun.  We shared stories and told each other jokes.  When the bill came we each got a fortune cookie and read our future.  My teenage daughter has already heard that after you read your fortune you add the phrase …. in bed.

I think one of them said, “Soon all will be revealed to you,”  and we added ….in bed.  Where did my little baby girl go?

Well, I was thinking why don’t religions put things in fortune cookies.  I though of a few and wanted to share them with you (see below).  I also wanted to challenge you to come up with you own and add them in the comments below.

I will let this contest go until October 15th.

I will take the 5 best and work them into my talk at Skepticon 5! (see what I did there?)

Location: Springfield, Missouri
Date: November 9-11, 2012

The very best fortune subbmitted in the comments here will get a copy of “Attack of the Theocrats” signed by the Author Sean Faircloth.

While I will be the “decider” of the best fortunes, I encourage you to make your views known.  If you see a good one just add your voice and tell us you like it.

Here are a few of the religious fortune cookies I thought of.  (put yours in the comments below)

“Father remove these chains…”  (…in bed)

“Jesus will come again…”

You get the idea.  So, what have you got?  Be creative and crazy.  Have fun.

Oh, it can be any religion.  How about this one?


Give it a try and maybe, I will read yours at Skepticon 5!

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28 Responses to Religious Fortune Cookies … bed

  1. fred says:

    In our family it was always “…between the sheets.” Same idea, though.

  2. Dan Hay says:

    Psalm 23:4

    “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”

  3. Randomfactor says:

    “Behold, I come quickly…in bed.”

  4. Neal Stanifer says:

    “Even as ye do unto the least of these my brothers, ye do even so unto me…in bed.”

  5. Neal Stanifer says:

    “The poor ye have always with you…in bed.”

  6. Randomfactor says:

    Suffer the little ch—no, better not.

  7. David Bloomberg says:

    1 John 3:1 “See what kind of love the Father has given to us”… in bed.

    Matthew 5:43-48 “But I say to you, Love your enemies”… in bed.

    Matthew 6:24-25 “No one can serve two masters”… in bed.

    John 15:9-17 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you”… in bed.

    Also: John 15:9-17 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you” … in bed.

  8. Cynthia Feist says:

    Job 39:9 “Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by they crib?”…in bed.

    The Pope explained the Eucharist to the choirs boys (in bed).

    Mary gave Holy Communion to someone that wasn’t Joseph (in bed).

  9. Cynthia Feist says:

    Deuteronomy 28:15 “But it shall come to pass, if thou will not harken the voice of the Lord thy God, to observe to do all his commandments and his statutes which I command thee this day: that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake thee” … in bed.

  10. Andy Knight says:

    The shortest one is:

    Jesus wept in bed.

  11. ErickaMJohnson says:

    From a Christian music CD back cover talking about the crucifiction:

    “The beauty in the shame, the glory in the pain”…in bed.

  12. Emily Moskal says:

    Isaiah 54:10 “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you… in bed.

  13. Cynthia Feist says:

    Genesis 7:5 “And Noah did according to all that the Lord commanded him.”… in bed.

  14. Cynthia Feist says:

    I Corinthians 2:5 “That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.”…in bed.

  15. Michael Zipprich says:

    No man cometh unto the Father, but by me…in bed

  16. Dave says:

    Tonight Jesus will visit you -in bed.

    Your lucky numbers are 06 18 02 54 19 47

  17. Rob says:

    Catholic Priests teach alter boys important lessons about faith, spirituality and how to submit to the power of god the almighty…. in bed

  18. Sue Kocher says:

    Who can survive his burning fury?… The LORD is good in bed.
    Nahum 1:2-8 NLT

    Meanwhile, the LORD instructed one of the group of prophets to say to another man, “Strike me in bed!”
    (1 Kings 16:9-13 NLT)

  19. Lois Layne says:


    n my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.

    Thank you. [Chinese] Xie xie “Shee shee”

    Your lucky numbers: 3.1415926535…., 1.618033988749895 . . .,

  20. Matt T says:

    And the lord opened the mouth of the ass, in bed.

  21. Mathew 6:6 And when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, which is in secret, and the lord will reward thee openly…

  22. Buckeye75 says:

    Take with you seven of every kind of clean animal, a male and its mate, and two of every kind of unclean animal, a male and its mate… bed

  23. Kristi says:

    Rev. 22:20 “He which testifieth these things saith Surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus”….in bed.

  24. Kristi says:

    One more from Revelation 16:18. “And there were voices, and thunders, and lightnings; and there was a great earthquake, such as was not since men were upon the earth, so mighty an earthquake, and so great”….in bed

  25. Yippee says:

    Do unto others as you would have them do…

    As brass sounding, or a tinkling…

    For all have sinned and fall short…

    We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him…

    How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together…

    In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds…

    By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another…

  26. eppie says:

    When the Messiah comes every Jew will have 2800 slaves… ( Talmud)

    Show forgiveness, speak for justice and avoid the ignorant… (Quran)


  27. Catherine says:

    ‘In the last days, there will be rumours of wars and earthquakes…in bed’.

    ‘…critical times, hard to deal with…in bed’.

    ‘And the eunuchs looked through the window and saw all that was left of Jezebel were hands and feet…in bed’.

    ‘…and the eunuch shall no more be as a dried-up tree…in bed’.

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